Sunday, August 8, 2010

Am I Lazy?

Yes, I think it's true.  I think I'm just lazy.

I have good ideas, and great intentions, but just not the wherewithall to follow through on some of my plans.  That is the very reason I've set the goal to run a marathon in December.  It's a goal that can't be easily met, and requires planning and focus and FOLLOW THROUGH.

I started writing a fiction novel a little over a year ago....and just can't seem to finish it.  But, the truth is, it's really not the story I want to tell.  The "real story" I want to write about is my own.  I have a lot of very good friends that have encouraged me to sit down and write my memoir....and it is truly my heart's desire to do so.  But, I think I'm just lazy.  It's going to be a hard story to tell.  It's going to be tough to rehash some things I think I'd rather just leave in the past. 

In order to write the story well I'll certainly dive back into some left-over emotions that I left behind long ago.  Like taking a box out of the attic and sorting through old photographs...  And, I think I'm just lazy.  It's going to be work.  Hard work.

I got to meet a dear blogger who I called friend long before I met her in person for a (LONG) lunch this past week.  We talked about my running blog a little bit and it got me to thinking.  I started that blog as a sort of on-line, public, log of my progress.  I am completely obsessed with running and love it with every muscle fiber in my body as well as every synapse in my mind!  I love writing about all things running, and it comes very easy to me.  I sit down (usually after a run/work out) and the words just flow right out of my fingers.  I don't usually even have to think about what I'm saying (and, yes, the readers can tell).  Most of the time, I'm not really writing for anyone other than myself.   Sad, but very true.

The novel I started was completely (well, almost completely) for "others".  Romantic fiction is not something I really have any interest in at all but the story came to me and I started writing.  I like the story....but it's getting harder to get the words out.  I know what I want to say, but it's getting harder to put it all together.  And...well...I think I'm just lazy.  I don't want to invest the time it's going to take to finish it.  I'd rather go for a run, or a swim and write about that.  Or even write a post about new runners' race strategies and tips.  That's easy.

It's the same thing with my training.  I want to sign up for a marathon training group, but I'm scared I won't be able to cut it.  I have to start out with six miles at a pace of 12:30 and I just don't know if I can do it or not.  I "need" to go find out, but I'm just .....lazy?  No, I'm scared.  I'm scared I "can't" do it.  It's the same with the story.  I'm scared that the truth is that it's just complete garbage.  No amount of anyone telling me, "you're a good writer" will change what I think about myself.

I'm not lazy.  I'm afraid of what I can't do.  That fear keeps me stuck, holds me back, keeps me from finding out what I CAN do.  That fear keeps me from working toward a goal.  That fear has me shoot for shorter goals, whether that's an easier run or an easier story to tell.  That fear makes sure I don't get hurt by failure by not even allowing me to try.  Ironically, not trying hurts more than not finishing.

I am not lazy...and I will not be scared any longer.  But...just like my goal to run a marathon will take training and time to work up writing will also take practice.  I can't go out and run 26.2 miles today (especially not doing it well and still be in good shape the next day)...and I can't sit down to write "my story" (and do it well) right now.  But, I will do it.  I will do them both.