Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear Hag In My Head...

Dearest Hag in My Head,

I appreciate all that you've done for me in the past.   You've kept me from making a fool of myself (most of the time).  You've kept me from taking unnecessary risks.  You've kept me safe.  Thank you for your faithful service.  Unfortunately, with the economy and all, through no fault of your own, your services are no longer needed.  I'm going to have to let you go.

Rest assured, it has nothing to do with the fact you're keeping me in constant fear.  It has nothing to do with the fact you've grown overprotective and controlling.  It has nothing to do with the fact you berate and belittle me every chance you get.  It has nothing to do with the fact you've never learned the difference between encouragement and badgering.  It has nothing to do with the fact you're an angry, sad, pathetic, nagging, hateful, screeching hag of a voice in my head that makes me want to vomit.  It's simply a matter of cost effectiveness.  The price I'm paying keeping you around is more than I care to afford any longer.

See, the truth is, you've cost me more than I am willing to pay.  You've cost me friendships.  You've cost me jobs.  You've cost me love (although without you guiding controlling me I have found it, despite you, at last).  You've cost me precious time.  You've cost me happiness and laughter.  Because of you I've doubted my abilities, I've doubted my personality, I've doubted my value as a mother, as a wife, as a woman, as a runner, as a human being.

I have found another voice who will pay me to fill my head with positive proclamations of my value and worth.  That voice longs to encourage, longs to give hope, longs to much so it will enable me to go further (and eventually faster) in runs than I YOU ever thought I could, be happier in life (even in trying circumstances), be satisfied and content, be relaxed, be confident...all with a smile on my face.  With this other voice in my head (your replacement), I will naturally draw other positive people closer to me.  I will be vulnerable, in spite of your life-long, relentless, warnings that to be so would inevitably cause me heartache.  You lied when you said if I let people see the real me they would only hurt me.  This new voice as assured me being vulnerable is exactly what will allow me to be filled to overflowing with love-for, and from, other people.

I will be filled with joy and move forward in life with reckless and the new voice in my head that has taken your place.  There are likely some people in Hell from whom you could seek gainful employment....although, I have a feeling that's exactly where you came from in the first place.

Have a, or MAKE IT A, great day!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Let's Hear It For Dr. Google!!!

Dr. Google Images was (mostly) right!!  It turns out there are "multiple" cysts in that right bazoom...not just one...  No biopsy, I just have to return in six months for a repeat ultrasound-which is exactly what I expected after I earned my web-degree Friday night!!

I think this has been an elaborate life lesson in how not to worry!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Boob Invader

Well....I hate to report my right boob failed the re-test mammogram I had on Friday.  They did an ultrasound immediately and I very clearly saw the "boob invader" that has taken up residence in my body. 

The ultrasound tech is forbidden from giving any results in the office.  She told me the doctor's office should have the report by late afternoon.  I called my doc as soon as I left and found out they close early on Fridays.  The receptionist said the doc would still check for results and would call me if there was anything "urgent".  She didn't call.  ...I guess it's "good" news that she didn't call??

Obviously I have no idea what exactly this invader is, but Dr. Google Images told me it's a simple fluid filled cyst!!  (Yes, I'm completely aware you should not check on the internet for things of that nature, and yet, I did it anyway.)  Knowledge is power...even if it's not correct, it did make me feel a lot better.  I've pretty much been able to let it go all weekend long!!

I'll keep you posted.


Friday, April 9, 2010

Save the Ta-Tas

Let's talk breast health for a minute....


How many of you do breast self-exams every month??  (Yes, men can get breast cancer, too...)  I've done it a couple of times in my life (literally a couple of times).  My husband told me that's what he was doing more than once, but I don't think he had breast health on his mind at the time. :D

I don't know this from personal experience, but it's my understanding they all feel lumpy.  That's why you've got to do it every need to know what's normal for you, so you can detect what shouldn't be there, if that's ever the case.

Listen, it's not only easy, it's necessary. 

Here's the link showing the how-to's for the serious types.

Here's the link for those of you, like me, who would rather laugh a little bit... (it's a little long, but the "exam" starts at 3:50--and although it's funny, it's also informative.)  This video, on the other hand, is just plain funny.

And, for those of you who just don't want to do it yourself....these guys are more than willing to help...


If you're over 40 (or younger, but have a family history of breast cancer), in addition to the monthly rub down, get a yearly mammogram.  At the very least, get 'em smashed every other year.  


Yes, for those of you who read my last post, this is the thing I'm not going to worry of my girls has to go get smashed again today because they apparently didn't think "flat as a pancake" was good enough the first time!  
My mom had lumps removed...and then survived not one, but two rounds of breast cancer --because she's a SERIOUS over-achiever!  Consequently, I had my first mammogram at 30.  I had to go back because they wanted to be sure to document every millimeter of tissue.  A few years later I had the joy of doing it again because I had some "issues" that had to be checked out.  A mammogram ended up not being enough, so they did an ultrasound.
I went in a few weeks ago for my "now-I'm-40-so-I-get-to-have-my-girls-tortured" smash-down.  They gathered up all my old tests....and compared them to what they're seeing now...and today they're going to take a closer look.

The only thing that I'm NOT going to be worried about is the fact they have all those old studies to look there something new in there?  

And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? Luke 12:25

Okay....I'll let you know what they don't find!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34
I admit it, I'm a worrier.  I don't like to think I am.  I don't like it that I am.  But, I'm confessing it here and now...I am a worrier.

Some things are more understandable to worry about than others....but at the same time, we're instructed, "Do NOT worry about tomorrow."  I don't think that really means we can worry about today, because Luke 12:25 says,
And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?  

My intention when I sat down to write was to unload my worry onto all of you.  Get it out there and let someone else worry with me...maybe better than that, worry for me.  After reading those verses, I'm reminded there's no need to worry. 

Worry not only will it not add on any time to my life, but it will actually rob me of precious time.   If I'm sitting here thinking about what could happen if....  I'm not able to enjoy this moment I have right now.

So I think I'll toss that worry to the side and instead focus on this moment I have right now...and making the most of it I can.  I won't even disguise my worry as a prayer request!!  ....and I'll refuse the idea that my telling you there was something that caused me to worry about worrying will in and of itself cause you to worry!!  No need.

Thanks for letting me get (some of) my words out!