How I Slipped Into This (Familiar) Pit

My husband suggested I retrace my mental steps to, hopefully, figure out when it was I descended down into this "pit" I've been in.

At first, I thought it had to do with Valentine's weekend.  When I was out of town (at my best friend's house), I found out my ex-husband (remember the one who texted me on Valentine's Day to say he was moving out) had contacted my friend.  (It's a long story...but to give context I'll try to make it short.  Basically at the end of our marriage, my friend's son was very sick.  He sent her a message asking how her son was doing.  Keep in mind, it's been four years since the divorce....and she was, and still is, my best friend, someone he rarely spoke to.)  Anyway...his message to her dredged up a slew of emotions for me. 

He was in my life for TEN YEARS.  My children were 2 1/2 and 4 when we started dating.  They still saw their dad regularly, but he was their every day father figure for EIGHT YEARS.  ((And, he's had no contact with them since he filed for divorce, and as far as I know doesn't even know if they are still alive.))  And he wanted to know how my best friend's son was doing??  (Oh, and, his best friend is related to my best friend's husband....he could have certainly found out how her son was without contacting her directly.)

What's worse is that he actually sent the message to her in September, but she didn't get it until that weekend--when I was there.  AND, even worse than that....I had found some of my ex-step-son's baby pictures, and other things, as I was going through old boxes back in November.  I sent my ex an email asking where I could send them to.  He replied (after a WEEK) giving the address.  He didn't say thank you, he didn't ask how the kids were, he didn't ask how my friend's son was doing...just gave me the address.

You can most likely hear the emotions welling up.  (And, I am aware I sound much like a petulant child.)....As I was digging up those "weeds" last night...talking about how abandoned I felt by this man who had promised to "never leave" me, a thought kept popping into my mind........

To understand the thought I had, I have to give another bit of back story....My parents got divorced when I was about 5.  My mother moved to another state.  I saw my real dad a couple of summers before my mom got remarried.  I only saw him once more, for about a week, (until I became an adult).  He never wrote letters or sent cards, or even paid child support for that matter.  As an adult, I reconnected with him.  I've been to see him a couple of times.  We talk about once a year, if that.  About a month ago, I got a call from him.  I thought it would be the yearly check-in, but there was more.  He told me he started a new business and he wanted my help with some computer stuff. 

I felt betrayed.  This man was supposed to be my FATHER.  Now, I shouldn't have expected fatherly behavior, because I'd never gotten it in the past...but this felt like a new low.

Let me assure you, there's a lot more in that "closet"...but that's the general (surface) information.

So the thought that kept popping into my mind as I bemoaned being abaondoned (and betrayed) by my ex....was "just like (I felt I had been abandoned and betrayed by) my father".  I didn't connect the dots as I was talking last night--I kept thinking about the abandonment I felt as a child.  As I was thinking about it last night, it felt almost like trying to put on old clothes that no longer fit.  This "excuse" for why I am currently feeling the way I do couldn't possibly be a by-product of those old emotions.

Then, at 2:30 this morning, it hit me.  The way I'm feeling right now started the day my father called....these feelings aren't directly connected to childhood wounds--they are a "result" of (perceived) fresh wounds.

Interestingly enough, the encounter with my father didn't push me over the edge.  I had been able to keep from sliding down that "slippery slope" of negative emotion, but I hadn't actually delt with the situation....when I got the news from my friend about my ex.   THAT pushed me completely over the edge into a pit of quicksand.

The more I fought to get out, the faster it sucked me in.

It's very interesting.  Just before the "phone call", I had started going to a women's Bible study.  I remember thinking the first time how good I felt...how STRONG.  My relationship with the Lord has grown and deepened and it felt more solid than it had ever been.  I started thinking about the kind of writing I want to do (Christian non-fiction) and went to the Christian book store that day to pick up some things to read.  I bought Beth Moore's "Get Out of that Pit".  NOT as a reference for my own life, mind you, but as more of a reference for the kind of writing I hope to (eventually) aspire to.

That phone call came on my second Bible study day.  When I left that day I remember having some very strong, all too familiar feelings of unworthiness....unlovablness.  I won't go into it here and now, but suffice it to say the feeling of being unworthy of love, even incapable of being loved by anyone, is like a second skin to me.  It's one I have moulted off time and time again.  It's what keeps me from flying.  And, every time I believe I've shed the last bit of skin that no longer suits my body...I find there's yet another layer.

Yes, I'm completely aware of the mixed metaphors...and I apologize for that.  I obviously don't feel too bad, or I'd change it, but I think anyone reading gets what I'm saying!!

And, yes, I'm reading the book (I got about 2/3 the way through yesterday!).


Thank you for joining me on this journey!!!